Psalm 42:7 – Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.
Waking up one morning in peace, able to hear God (for once in a long time). I had just made a change in my post-cancers meds a week ago and already was feeling better. I was wondering if this whole deep dive into my past traumas had been necessary. Maybe I could have just changed the meds, or never started, and I would have been fine. Able to go on with my life without the PTSD, the meltdowns, the loss of the person I thought I was.
But I was hearing God clearly this peaceful morning. And He was telling me that He needed to bring His love to a deeper place in my body and soul, literally “where the sun don’t shine”. My faith had filled my conscious mind and my heart with the knowledge of His love, but there were deeper places that hadn’t been touched. My whole fight, flight, freeze response system, the places in my body where trauma was stored, the early childhood memory fragments that shaped so much of my unconscious beliefs about myself and the world.
And the only way for God to reach those places was to push me past my ability to “cope”, past my expectations about who God is and how He was supposed to respond when I called out to Him. I had to go back to that abandoned child that still lived within me and bring her into the light of His love. And I had to learn to love myself in the broken places that had never received loving kindness and comfort.
He wants to reach those deep places in our body and soul so they can be saved and healed, and filled with the light of His love!