So this morning before I got up I heard the Lord say, “Are you ready to move forward?” Had to think about it, but yes, I’m feeling more energy, more joy, I’m ready for what’s next. I didn’t realize He meant this morning!
I volunteered yesterday to take care of some family business that was time sensitive and when I hit a roadblock, I started to go into hyper-adrenaline mode. Working as a high pressure lawyer for many years, that was my usual response when I needed to perform. As soon as my adrenaline went up, the fatigue I’ve been fighting for months rolled over me. When I started on my morning walk, I found I barely had enough energy to keep moving forward.
Okay, check the warning lights on the dashboard, what’s going on? Realized my adrenaline pressure was way too high, and started deep breathing to ease the pressure off. Contacted my “heavenly roadside assistance” and received a download of understanding. This usually comes as a series thoughts/nudges from the Lord, like following a trail of breadcrumbs. When was the last time my body had a major meltdown? Let’s see – family drama/trauma, yes; time pressure, check; need for me to perform, it’s up to me to get it done by the deadline, oh yes!
My body’s response now to that pressure profile is to just shut down, like an engine that shuts off when it overheats. I used to be able to override that response with even more adrenaline, but after my cancer journey, my body is refusing to be pushed. I don’t have a choice – my body has got the last word right now.
So “moving forward” with the Lord has turned out to be a new journey, to recognize that my body responded to the cancer as a major trauma event, which triggers trauma responses like fight, flight or freeze. I can’t just push through this. It doesn’t matter what conscious thoughts I have about it – my body just has a mind of its own!
Instead, I need to go deeper with the Lord to receive healing for the fear and anxiety that have been recorded in my body over a lifetime of traumatic events. Thank you Lord for this understanding! Now I pray for your divine guidance on how to pursue this deeper healing!
Romans 7:21- 25: So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!